YOUR HUSBAND WILL FEEL YOU APPRECIATE HIS INSIGHT
AND COUNSEL WHEN...
1. You tell him up front you just need his ear; don’t complain to him later that he always tries to “fix” you.
2. You thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn’t care about your feelings.
3. You recognize his problem solving approach as his male brand of empathy.
4. You realize your vulnerabilities, especially among males, and value his protection.
5. You counsel him respectfully when you differ with his ideas (you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice).
6. You sometimes let him “fix things” and applaud his solutions.
7. You let him know that you believe God has made us male and female for a purpose and that we need each other.
8. You admit that you can sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.
YOUR HUSBAND WILL FEEL YOU VALUE HIS SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER FRIENDSHIP WHEN...
1. You tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).
2. You respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or you come along to watch him (you don’t have to go every time, but just now and then will energize him more that your realize).
3. You enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulder.
4. You encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later.
5. You don’t denounce his shoulder to shoulder activities with his male friends to get him to spend more face-to-face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times.
HE WILL FEEL YOU APPRECIATE HIS DESIRE FOR SEXUAL
1. You respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically.
2. You understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional release.
3. You let him acknowledge his sexual temptations without fearing he’ll be unfaithful and without shaming him.
4. You don’t try to make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex.
FROM : LOVE AND RESPECT BY DR. EMERSON EGGERICHS
Presented by Judy Faulkner Dempsey, Family Counselor, Caring Counseling Ministries
Appreciation For Each Other
By Kent Mattox
As a young single man out of college and residing in Mt.Vernon in the mid 70’s, I had discovered that I had a love affair with sports. In the fall several of us played in a YMCA volleyball league, in the winter a YMCA basketball league, in the spring and summer we played golf and tennis and softball. Some of the guys were married and some were single. But one particular friend, who got engaged and married approximately nine months before I did, taught me a valuable lesson about marriage.
I quickly noticed that he was missing more and more sporting events. He explained that he needed to spend more time with his fiancé. I didn’t say too much, but at first I found that frustrating. “How could you miss an important game to spend time with your girlfriend or her family?” I often thought. I also noticed that he would always seem to listen and hang on to every word that she said. It was clear that he treated her with great respect and she also did the same. Even though he was very well liked, there was some grumbling among other teammates about how “whipped” he was when it came to his fiancé. Most of us thought that the “games” should come first.
Today, 30 years later, he is a very successful banker in the area. But he has always appeared to keep his priorities straight. He has been very active in serving the Lord in his church. He and his wife have raised two children. Their daughter has her master’s degree and is employed in her profession and their son is about to complete law school. A friend in this area who teaches high school in Mt.Vernon once told me that these two young adults, when in high school, were the two most perfect children that he had ever run across. And on rare occasions when we get together with the parents to go out to eat together, I notice that they still hang on every word with each other and treat each other with great respect.
Respect and appreciation are extremely important in a marriage relationship. Passion and excitement in marriage will wane at times, but respect should always be there. Certainly two people, in the process of becoming one, will look at things completely differently. It has been pretty well documented that opposite personalities attract and in many marriages, that also leads to opposites in interests. So it becomes easy for two persons in the marriage relationship to go their own way and do their own thing and soon they have very little in common. But couples, who demonstrate respect and show appreciation for each other, overcome these differences by giving into each other and sharing each other’s interests. Ephesians 5:21 states “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” (NIV)
I have often said that the first question that I would like to ask the Lord when I get to Heaven is, “Why did you make us so different?” But through the years of marriage counseling, I think I have discovered the answer to that question. First and foremost I believe that it has helped all of us who have remained married through the conflict and struggles, to learn to give and become less selfish. It is a matter of the will to learn to give into our partner when we really want to do something different and this also helps us to begin to be a little more like Christ. We know that spiritual maturity and the perfect qualities of Christ are found in the “fruits of the Spirit” found in Galatians 5:22,23. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the qualities that we should all strive for as Christians. In marriage we are clearly tested in these areas with our spouse, especially since we all come from different backgrounds and different personalities and from different interests. As we learn to accept each other and give into each other, we really begin demonstrating and learning to actually live the “fruits of the Spirit”.
For some people this is easier than others because some people have learned to give while they were growing up. Some folks, who were raised in large families, learned early on that the world didn’t revolve around them. For others it is more difficult. Some partners come from similar backgrounds and that may make the transition easier. But my wife and I grew up approximately six to eight blocks from each other, attended the same schools and church, although I was two years ahead of her, and even attended the same colleges and we look at life from two completely different angles on many things. So I’m not at all surprised that people who come from very different backgrounds often look at so many things in life differently. But the key to differences is acceptance.
Another way to show appreciation and respect is to clearly give each other attention. At first this would appear to be a no-brainer, but the number one reason that many people divorce in our culture today is the simple fact that they get so busy and do not have enough time for each other. Attention and affirmation are so important in any close relationship, but especially in a marriage where it is God’s plan for partners to be closer to each other than any other relationship, except with Him.
Finally affection, in a marriage relationship, provides the “atmosphere” for the couple. It is vital that husbands and wives meet one another’s needs in this area. Sometimes a good way to start is a simple hug. Then sexual intimacy is so important that the Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:4, “the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Sex is not only something married couples do for pleasure, but it is also a mutual duty for the benefit of each partner. When practiced the way the bible teaches, sexual intimacy can offset the problem of sexual temptation outside marriage.
l. How do you regularly show respect and appreciation for your spouse?
2. Do you make time for giving each other special attention? Does your spouse know that they are at the top of our list in importance?
3. How’s your love life? Are you using the biblical plan or just your own?
4. Have you hugged your husband or wife today?
Caring Counseling Ministries is located at 1410 W. Chestnut in Marion, IL and is a not for profit corporation for the purpose of providing counseling from a Biblical perspective at an affordable cost to persons living in Southern Illinois. Kent Mattox is the director and he is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. To make an appointment, please call 618-997-2129.
Save the Relationship and” Stop Your Divorce!"
Of course, you want to save your relationship. But you're confused, afraid, and you don't know where to turn. You want to save your relationship more than anything else, and you should! That's where I come in. For over 45 years I've been working in
Here are four strategies that never work - yet people always try:
Which these strategies are you trying right now?
1. The first is to give them reassurance. "I've changed. I won't be controlling anymore. I won't lie to you anymore. I won't have another affair," and so forth. The efforts to give them reassurance. This almost never works.
2. The second strategy is to tell them over and over again, "I love you." That never works.
3. The third strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk them into feeling different or doing different. That never works.
Always agree. If you talk about where they are wrong, they become more wrong. And if you talk about where they are right, they immediately become less wrong. See, most people don't know that if you agree and sound sincere to the other person, Do not defend yourself, do not explain yourself, they will defend you. They will reverse their position. Amazing! It works like magic! A person says, "You know, I want a divorce." "I understand. I agree." It looks you're moving faster toward a divorce, but you're getting at the roots of why they want a divorce. they want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them. They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them. That's not the person they're pulling away from. They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them. People don't want to be married to somebody who's holding a gun on them. "You owe me love because we're married. You've got to love me because we're married." No, no. You've got to get rid of the hostility before their good feelings can show. And their hostility may seem to you like it's totally independent of anything that you do. No!
You are supporting their negativism by your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way. Just enthusiastically see it their way. You're happy to do whatever they want. Wow! That takes the props totally out from under their hostility. And so we want to continue this attitude. You are acting secure now. When you say, "You're the only one that I can love, you're the only one that I can be happy with, you're the only one," you're really saying, "I'm a pea-brain. I can't really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can't see that. I don't have any confidence at all. Don't you want me?" No, they don't. "I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don't you want me?" And the answer is no.
4. Pessimism. We become addicted to our pessimism. I once had a man say to me, "I know I can't win. You don't know my wife. She's very stubborn. She never changes her mind." I say, "Never? About anything?" "Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important." I said, "Well, I think it's about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can't stand you. So obviously, she's changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind." But people fall in love with pessimism. That's one of the strategies that never work...but people always try them! Now, here are...
Three Things You Can Start Doing Right Away To Turn The Tide In Your Favor...
When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn't want it, there is a clash of wills. There is tension. There is stress. So I've discovered the psychology of applying the jujitsu wrestling technique, where the wrestler uses the strength, energy and weight of his opponent to their own advantage, and to the disadvantage of their opponent. We cannot get to the good feelings of your wife, husband or lover. We cannot get to those good feelings as long as this war is going on, as long as you communicate to them that you want something differentfrom what they want. I remember years ago, when I was using hypnosis. A woman was lying on the couch and I was suggesting muscle-relaxing all over. And then I was doing the deepening and testing process of "your right hand and your right arm are getting light, like a feather." After suggesting that for about five minutes, at the most ten minutes, the person's hand always begins to float upward because they're giving in to their imagination and following the suggestion. This woman's hand didn't move at all after ten or fifteen minutes. So I said, "Are you feeling anything in your right hand and right arm?" She said in a very relaxed, almost sleepy voice, "Yes. My right hand and my right arm are getting heavier and heavier." See, the opposite of what I suggested. So I said, "Good. Your right hand and right arm are getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier." And I kept on that way. In about two or three minutes, her hand was floating up in the air. And of course, this is what psychologists call negative suggestibility. When the other person is pulling away from you or wanting a divorce or wanting separation, they are almost automatically on the opposite side of any fence that they perceive you as being on. So use the jujitsu. Go with them.
Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies, all under the heading of the jujitsu technique.
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings.
You see, when one partner has a closed mind and is divorcing the other, they are in love with their negative feelings. So they put their negative feelings in charge of the door to their mind. And when you try to reason with them, you're telling them that their negative feelings are wrong. That causes their negative feelings to lock the door tighter. Agree with their negative feelings - whatever they are. "Yes, this relationship is hopeless." "Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct."
Do not defend yourself. Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
The status quo - as it is. Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct - that you all were getting too serious too fast - or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want. This uses jujitsu, and it always works. Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did. You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all. Now, this does not mean no contact. If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk. You and professionals encourage, generally speaking, that you've got to do serious talk.
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief. You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things. "When do you want me to pick the kids up?" Or, "Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?" These strategies work immediately to reduce the feeling that there is a clash of wills. Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want. Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important." Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed." I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that." "Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?" "Yeah, I want her back." "That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want." And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way." Agree with them, quickly. Why? Because it saves your nerves. Saves your pride. Saves your energy. And you end up getting your way, much more than arguing or rebelling or disagreeing or pressuring. If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!
Here's a typical case in my practice:
Recently a man called me and told me that his wife was telling him over and over again that she did not love him any more, and that "this marriage can't work and I don't want it to work." And of course he was very upset. I told him three sentences to say to her at the opportune moment, and we made an appointment on the telephone for the following Monday - this was on Tuesday. He called me on Saturday very excited, he said, "I know we don't have an appointment until Monday but I just can't wait to tell you what happened! Last night my wife came home, plopped on the bed very tired, and she started telling me how she didn't love me anymore and that this marriage can't work and that she didn't even have the slightest desire for it to work. I told her the three sentences you told me to say, and I used the tone of voice you told me to use, and then I was quiet. She got up off the bed and walked around for about five minutes, came back and sat in a chair and looked me straight in the eye and said, "you know - I think this marriage can work, and I want it to work."
Those same simple strategies can work for you too.
Those same three sentences, and the psychology behind them, can work for you too. I know, because they've worked for thousands of people just like you. Your situation is not unique. More importantly - your situation is NOT hopeless. The strategies I use have been developed over 45 years of successfully working with people in all kinds of situations and circumstances.
Why Working At Your Relationship Isn't Working And What To Do About It...
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce. We get the two confused. We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels. The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm. Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it. But I say that it's the working that makes it not work. When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate. When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them. When you argue, you're working at improving them. When you try to reason with them. When you tell them how much you love them. Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem. Proof? You want proof? Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better. Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay. And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on. You have put the white flag up. You've thrown your gun down. That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy. Agree with them. Do not disagree at all. It's not to your advantage. It's a dumb thing to do. Now, I've seen these ideas work in my own marriage, and in hundreds and hundreds of other people's lives. I'm 76 and my wife is 56. We've been married 30 years. We've had rare, but sometimes serious problems. Immediately, I follow these principles. She loses her negative feelings right away, or within an hour or two.
These ideas always work. You see, they're not natural because our feelings are spoiled brats. They want to choose the goal and they want to choose the methods. We want to go to
Let your head choose the goal, so your feelings say, "I love this person and I want back with them." This is what your feelings are saying. "Okay," your head says, "then you've got to do these things. You've got to agree and stop criticizing - cheerfully, happily - accept whatever your mate wants." "But I feel I would lose." There you go. The feelings want to choose everything. And the feelings, this time, are wrong. You lose with this method. Your relationship will improve when you stop working at changing your mate and warmly allow your mate to be whomever they are. If they want to be cold, it's perfectly okay. They want to be hostile, they want to think that you're guilty of something that you're not, it's perfectly okay. It's perfectly okay. It's only a preference that I get her or him back, or that they be more loving. It's not a need. The more that you think of it as a need, you're not going to get it. If it's only a preference, you have a lot of power there. If you desperately need a loan from the bank, the bank will say no. Act positive, whether you feel like it or not. Take care of your feelings later on, but not during the game. Not during the game! During the game, you put on a strong front. People tend to believe that, "they'll think that I don't care if I don't communicate that I need her or him." Well, is telling them that you care, is it working? Of course not.
Does it work? Does it work? Does it work?
Stop what doesn't work. Try something that has a chance of working. I used to enjoy a TV show called The Commish. The Commissioner, at the end of one show, is putting his arm around his son of about 15 years old, I guess, and saying, "Son, I was told when I was younger that there are three kinds of people. One kind is the dumb ones who don't learn. The smart ones who learn from their own mistakes. Very smart ones. But then there are the wise ones, the ones who learn from other people's mistakes." When you've already made enough mistakes on your own, I'm telling you that other people have done the same kind of mistakes - the mistake of saying, "But I need you and I love you" - pressure, pressure, pressure. And it doesn't work for them, either. Learn from what other people just like you have done to successfully win their lover's back, save their relationships, and restore all the wonderful things you had in the beginning...the affection, the love, the communication...and even the sex!
Here's How I Can Help You save your relationship Starting Right Now.
I've just finished a new book called "Stop Your Divorce!" that outlines in step-by-step detail all the most effective divorce-stopping strategies I've developed over my 45-years in private practice. It's different than any book on divorce you've seen. This program has taken a lifetime to develop. I was in the bookstore the other day, looking through all the books on divorce, and every book I saw was about how to divorce as friends.how to make it easier on the kids.how to cope with divorce..everything except how to STOP a divorce. Traditional marriage counseling and advice books only work when both parties are willing and active participants - and are committed to saving the relationship. The problem with that is most of the time there's only one person who wants to stop the divorce -- that's why marriage counseling almost never works, and in most cases drives the other even further away. "Stop Your Divorce!" is about one thing, exactly what to say and do to stop your divorce or separation - especially if you're the only one who wants to stop it. The book shows you exactly what to say and do, the exact words to use and the tone of voice to use -- helping you every step of the way, guiding and coaching you to save your relationship as quickly as possible.
Here Are Some Of The Strategies You'll Discover To save your relationship
· Three "common sense" strategies you're probably using right now and why they never work.
· The one thing you can say to your mate that will have him or her open and willing to listen to your every word.
· Trigger words that immediately defeat any chance you have of getting your communication heard. (You'll probably kick yourself when you realize how often you're using them.)
· What your significant other really hears when you keep saying "but I've changed!"
· What to say (and what not to say) on the telephone, if that's the only contact you have, that will have your mate feeling better and better about you.
· Five things you can start doing today that will immediately turn the tide in your favor.
(By the way, these five things always work.)
· Why all the advice that well-meaning professionals and friends are giving you is actually making it impossible for things to work out.
· Why "working" at your relationship isn't working, and what to do about it.
· How to overcome the most self-defeating mindset. Once you realize it, it's like flipping a switch that will allow you to get exactly what you want.
Now, I want to be clear with you -- I'm not a psychic, astrologer or associated with any church or religious organization.
I have a Masters degree in psychology and have been in private practice for over 45 years. I specialize in saving relationships. In nearly half a century of practice, I'm proud to say I've saved thousands of relationships -- even when they seemed hopeless. Now, you must take the next step. You've got to take some constructive action right away, or the very thing you fear most will come true, and your situation will be hopeless. Remember, everything you do right now is either helpful or harmful, and the most "natural" attitudes and actions often push your mate or lover away.
"Stop Your Divorce!" will give you the specific step-by-step strategies you need to save your relationship. You can download the book right now for only $79.99
Here's How You Can Get Started Saving Your Relationship In The Next 10 Minutes.
When you click on the button below, you'll be taken to a secure order page for your credit card information. We use a third party secure processing company so your order information is kept completely confidential -- only the processing company and your credit card company access the information. Your order is processed immediately, and you'll get a receipt for your purchase with a transaction number and a link to where you can download your book right away. The whole process takes just a few minutes and you'll be reading your book less than 10-minutes from right now. When you get the book, scan it a couple of times and read the parts that jump out at you right away -- then go back and read it cover to cover. Try some of the strategies for a few weeks. You'll notice a difference right away, and it will encourage you to try some of the other strategies. Whatever happens, you'll use the book as a constant reference as you're going through this.